If a girl sends you a pic of her and she is almost naked except a teddy bear covering her privates, she is definitely not interested in sex AND finds it offensive if you even thought that on her own. More info later. That was just my tease to keep you reading. I think tease is an appropriate word here.

This is the busiest I?ve ever been as a comic. I?ve worked non-stop every weekend since the end of June and my schedule isn?t lightening up. I work straight through till Thanksgiving at which time I?m taking the holiday off and spending it in Nashville with my good buddy Ralphie May. He has a home there with his family and invited me out. When a guy like Ralphie invites you to Thanksgiving you immediately say YES because he is a guy that loves good food. And in addition to being a funny dude, he is a chef and I assume can make one hell of a Thanksgiving feast.

My last Blog told stories of San Jose, Las Vegas, Denver and New York. After a great run of shows at Gotham in the big apple, I flew to what some might consider the second major entertainment/comedy mecca in the country, Cleveland. I was working these shows again with bud Mitch Fatel. BTW. His Comedy Central special will debut this Friday 9/18. He taped the show in Orange County last May and I actually was the warm up comic for the show. Watch!!! This was our second week in Cleveland. When we did it last year I hated it. I think I hated it because this city, like most, takes their sports teams way to f?ing serious. Loosen up everyone. Come Monday morning you?re life is still miserable and you?re kids are still smoking pot before middle school. So last year just as I was being introduced to go on stage someone in the back yelled, ?Browns lost. This guy better be funny.? Why should I have all this pressure just because you?re shitty football team lost again. Well this time was much better possibly because the Browns hadn?t started to play yet.

I flew home from Cleveland back to LA for a few days then got on a plane and joined my other comedy bud Ralphie May for shows at the Dallas Improv. This was my first time in Dallas and I really had a blast. Club is a little older than some but still fun and crowds ready to laugh. OK. So shows wrapped up in Dallas Sunday night and Ralphie and I drive to Shreveport, LA for a two night run Mon/Tues. We decide we would rather do the three hour drive Sunday night than do it Monday morning. At about 3 a.m. we decided to stop at a Waffle House. This was my first experience with one of these places. Hard to believe right. We stopped at one which we later realized was probably sketchy and we should have waited till we got into a more populated city. Well a lot of people recognize Ralphie from tv and because he is a big guy. So a guy came over to us and said he was a fan. Ralphie told me to go to the car and bring him a DVD and he was going to sign it for him. He did and we realized as we were heading out that this guy was homeless. Great Ralphie. He would rather have your DVD than money for a hot meal. I bust his balls about that to this day. Great memory. We arrive in Shreveport and I ask the front desk if they have internet in the hotel room. No but good news hopefully by 2045. And that?s dial up with the help of that AOL CD, We only did two nights here and thank goodness. Not a great room. No character. Loud audiences. Shitty sound system. Glad we were in and out. BUT on Monday night after show, a girl comes over and is very flirty. I give her my phone number. She calls me at 7 a.m. the next morning wanting to hang out. 7 a.m. She sends me a picture text message of her almost naked with that teddy bear from above covering her privates. I tell her to come over to the hotel. She said YES and never showed up. I then texted again and asked where she was. I thought maybe she got help up at the Teddy Ruxpin factory store. She wrote and said I?m not coming over. I knew you were just after sex. UMMMMM. Did I miss something. I wrote her this exact message. ?I am so sorry I took your teddy bear pic text wrong. I mean you were only flirting when you sent that pic and I feel like an ass, especially since you called at 7 a.m. I completely misread this.? She wrote back ?I got it. Stop being a dick.? Ralphie and I did one show Wednesday in a city called Monroe, LA. The show was great. No teddy bears BUT we did have to drive back to Nashville right after the show because I was flying to Cincinatti for shows Thursday and he was flying to California. So we had to drive through the night. Nine hours of driving. We left the club at midnight and pulled into his driveway at 9 a.m. Rested for two hours then left to airport.

I did two back to back weeks in Ohio. First Cincinnati and then Dayton. HMMM. Hard to say which was better. I?m going to go Shreveport. Needless to say I was happy to get out of OHIO.

After Ohio I drove as fast as I could to Michigan to visit my family. Spent a few days there before flying to Philly and one of my favorite clubs, a place called Helium. This is one of my fav. Staff is amazing. Audiences are good. All around fun. Plus they have the Rocy statue.

After Philly I went to the Washington DC Improv. I had heard great things about DC and the club. Everyone was right. Great club right off Dupont circle. So many good shows. My buddy Mitch and I went to a Baltimore Orioles game during our trip. The team is so bad. I called the stadium and asked what time the game started and they asked what time I could be there.

I was suppose to fly back to LA on Monday after DC but my good buddy Steve Mazan ended up performing on the David Letterman show that Monday so I took a train into NYC and watched him tape his show. Steve and I started comedy together and it was so good to see him perform on Letterman. He had wanted to do that show since he started and worked his ass off to get on there. I was very proud of him, and secretly resentful. Kidding. Not really.

After NYC I flew home and spent Labor Day in Las Vegas working the South Point casino with Ralphie. Only three nights and three shows. This is the same casino they do the Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon at and Ralphie performed on it so I got to hang out with him. So fun to see the behind the scenes of it all. Ran into American Idol contestant Bo Bice who was doing the show. Nice guy. Huge egomaniac. Kidding. That was Ralphie.

I?m on my way to New York again as I write this to do some shows with Mitch this weekend in Connecticut but to also be there when his special debuts on Friday. He is having a little party and I wanted to be there for it.

Fall is here and the schedule is busy including stops in Virginia Beachm Edmonton, Seattle, a theater in Minneapolis. For the record, teddy bear girl still writes me asking how I?m doing and wants to keep in touch. Luckily I don?t respond.

I was actually staying with Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak during my time in San Jose. We became friendly when he was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and I did audience warm up for the show.

Let's forward ahead six weeks. The gorgeous San Improv theater is gone and so is the beautiful pool/hot tub surrounding me at the Woz estate. I'm in Cleveland. Maybe enough said. Well let's just say when I go into a new city I always ask what the crappy city most people make fun of. I always get something. But in Cleveland they said the crappy city to make fun of is in fact Cleveland. I'm staying at a Holiday Inn express overlooking a major construction site. When do I fly home?? Oh in two days. Wait. I must say I performed here last year and didn't like it all that much. Rowdy crowds, nothing to do during the day. BUT must say this time is a little different. Actually enjoying the shows. I'm not saying I want to stay. Not saying that at all. Still leaving in two days. But it is better than expected.

BTW. On a side not. Why do so many women who are with guys think it's ok to come over and openly flirt with me. WOW. It looks so bad in front of your dude. I know if I wasn't a comic and my girlfriend was flirting with a comic I would have a huge issue with that. Maybe I'm not so innocent since I flirt back. Let's move on.

So what happened between San Jose and Cleveland?? Well let me tell you. Summer is in full swing right now. I made a brilliant booking decision by working in Las Vegas the first week of July. I'm not a Vegas guy. Not much of a drinker, smoker or gambler. I feel out of place there since I don't own a pair of jean shorts. So I'm not bragging but I was working at the Riviera Hotel and Casino. Yes. The casino across from Circus Circus where even the homeless wouldn't stay. They run a special at the double C. Buy one room get the rest of the hotel free. The RIV is a little better but you aren't getting the Bellagio crowds. No fountain here unless you count the drunk guy peeing in the corner. And he turns out to be the hotel manager. Vegas is a long week, seven shows, two shows a night. I was working with my good buddy Boris and after every show we would say “nine more to go….”

From Vegas it was on to Denver. Love this club. Great audiences, great people working there. I got to do two cool things during my visit. Went to a Rockies game. And went to my first Drag racing event. This is the type of race where two cars would do 90 miles an hour down a ¼ mile of track. I got a chance to take a tour of the pits and see just how the cars are designed. Got to meet almost a dozen guys that work on one car. Why can these guys do an oil change in twenty-one seconds yet my guys at Jiffy Lube take all afternoon and seem to think that one time I will eventually fall for the ‘you need a new air filter” trick.

From Denver it was on to my favorite city New York. LOVE performing at Gotham Comedy Club in the city. Does it seem odd that I wanted to see the broadway show Mary Poppins? By myself? I got to do promo for the shows at Gotham on Sirius Satellite radio. That was a blast. One day when I was at the Sirius studios I saw the Oak Ridge Boys doing an in-studio concert for fans. Ummmm question. I thought the ORB only had one song, Elvira? Did I miss something? And to hold a concert for their fans? Ummmmm. I assume the one fan they had might have passed on at this point. Maybe they were on the radio to promote a big state fair performance they had. But got to see a Yankees game in the new stadium. That was great. And it was a great game. I hate going to events like a baseball game or a movie theater and you always hear “I just paid $72 for a soda.” Yeah. No kidding. Did you all of a sudden expect a stadium or theater to offer Sams Club or Costco pricing? You know how expensive things are. Get over it.

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